Let’s be honest. You love your Person (you may even be lucky enough to have People to love!). Your Person is the best Person who ever is, was or will be. They should erect statues to your Person on every street corner (with secret compartments of treats at Corgi level). But even your Person could use a little help, a little encouragement, in meeting the basic Corgi needs for constant food and play. We Corgis eschew the dictatorial approach; we have found that a gentle, subtle method for commanding our People to bend to the Iron Will of the Corgi has been the most successful approach. They bend, they obey us – without ever actually realizing it. Here are some samples of my favorites:

The “Leave It” command: This command should be used when food is in the vicinity of the Corgi nose – such as a plate on a lap or snacks on a coffee table. Your goal is to make your Person leave the room so you can share the goodies. First, try the psychic approach: Stand on all four feet (sitting is not powerful enough), catch your Person’s eye, and stare intently. Send an image of your Person leaping to her feet and racing from the room (bathroom break, maybe), leaving the poor defenseless food unguarded. If that doesn’t work, you will have to use the Corgi Distraction method. Step into another room, and knock something large and noisy over. I prefer a nice metal garbage can, but use whatever works for you. Noise is of the essence. When your Person comes in the room to investigate, with some nimble Corgi footwork, you can race back and make quick work of the food left behind. Your Person may pretend to be a little upset, but trust me, she’ll thank you later… (“Why Susan, have you lost weight?” “Yes, thanks – on the My Dog Ate My Dinner Diet…”) And for the multi-Corgi household, try making a friendly family competition out of it. Currently, Ethel Barrymore is a half a roast beef sandwich ahead of me, but I plan to close the gap very soon.

The “Drop It” command: This command should be used for food found at a higher spot – on a countertop, for example. Typically, you will use this command when your Person is working in the kitchen – the Grand Central Terminal of food. Used correctly, this command will cause tasty morsels to fall like manna from heaven onto the Corgi lips beneath. Again, the psychic approach is a good start. Sit near your Person, tilt the head, point the ears at about a 30-degree angle, and make your eyes deep, brown pools of sorrow. Look worried that you may faint dead away at any given second from low blood sugar. Staring into your Person’s eyes, send an image of a very thin dog to your Person’s brain (a whippet is my favorite, with a Corgi head – I call it a Corgit). Slide your front paws out veeeeery slowly until you are lying on the ground. Rest your head on your paws with a heavy sign, indicating you are too weak to stay upright any longer. If this doesn’t work within a few minutes, then move to the Astral Corgi method. In our secret Corgi manner, dematerialize, and suddenly and silently rematerialize right under your Person’s feet, causing a slight stumble. Poke her knee with your nose if it is sufficiently cold and wet. Food should fall at this point, and I bet you can catch it before it hits the floor!

The “Come” command: A very useful command when you want your Person to come over to wherever you are, and play with you. I use this command most often at the Dog Park, when I want my Person to come and get the tennis ball and throw it. She throws it, I scamper after it, and, after a little nose soccer, I like to settle in and chew it for a bit. Then, I want it thrown again. At this point, my person, who is 20 or so feet away (I adore her, but she does have a wimpy throwing arm) goes into a sort of St. Vitus’s dance, waving her arms about, jumping up and down, and speaking in a language I don’t recognize (it sounds like this, “fetch! fetch!”). Apparently she labors under the misconception that I am some kind of retriever and expects me to bring the ball back. Far from it! Herding dogs do not retrieve (except occasionally in the privacy of our own backyards, but never in front of all those giggling Labs at the Park). To encourage your person to “come,” follow these steps: Emitting a few short, sharp barks should get your Person’s attention. Then, place the ball between your front paws, while pushing your chest to the ground and your bunny butt into the air (those of you with tails or nubs can wiggle them at this point). Then straighten up and do your happy dance around the ball. Pick the ball up in your mouth and demonstrate a little toss. By now, your Person should be laughing and walking toward you. Encourage her with a few reinforcing barks, et voila! Victory is yours – the ball is thrown, and we begin again.

These are a few basic commands you should be using to gently guide your Person to follow the Iron Will of the Corgi and maintain a fully functional Corgi-rific household.

In our next class, we will discuss instructing the local cats in proper Corgi deference.