From the New Yorker

ROYAL WEDDING DAY SCHEDULE FOR HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH
by Paul Rudnick
MARCH 14, 2005


7:00 A.M. Arise and greet corgis. Tell them it’s a very special day: they’ll be trying new Iams Lamb & Wild Rice in Gravy.
7:30 A.M. Breakfast with Prince Philip. Remind him that, even if they offer him a Jaguar, Al Qaeda are not friends.
8:00 A.M. Pick Corgi of the Day. Comfort and encourage remaining corgis.
8:30 A.M. Phone Fergie. Get her to send Camilla Weight Watchers frozen lasagna as gag wedding gift.
9:00 A.M. Answer correspondence. Send Charles and Camilla a five-pound note as a wedding gift, with card reading, “So sorry can’t attend ceremony in person. Hope face on this will suffice.”
9:30 A.M. Gather corgis to watch TiVo of “Desperate Housewives.” Discuss how much more romantic show would be if all characters were corgis.
10:00 A.M. Open local hospital. If asked about Charles and Camilla, reply, “Are they here? Has there been an accident?”
10:30 A.M. Summon Andrew and Edward. Inspect hair loss. Close eyes and do “eeny, meeny, miney, mo” to get their hopes up.
11:00 A.M. Watch videotape of Charles’s wedding to Diana. Consider Disney’s request to turn ceremony into stage musical. Messenger DVD of “Shrek” to C. and C.
12:00 P.M. Lunch with corgis. Discuss Blair, Bush, Iraq—what do they think? Show them special surprise: photo mockup of U.N., with all delegates as corgis.
1:00 P.M. Phone Clint Eastwood; congratulate on Oscar. Suggest he next direct “Camilla,” inspirational love story à la “Bridges of Madison County.” Also suggest he play title role.
2:00 P.M. Dress up corgis as participants in low-key royal wedding. Use bits of sirloin to stimulate barking as vows. Videotape and send anonymously to BBC.
3:00 P.M. Nap. Dream of being Virgin Queen, or LaToya Jackson, anything with more dignity.
4:00 P.M. Awake. Ask secretary if C. and C. ceremony has concluded. Ask if Angelina Jolie was in attendance.
5:00 P.M. Call Charles on cell. Congratulate him, then make connection-breaking- up noises, so only words he hears are “king,” “never,” and “hee hee hee.”
6:00 P.M. Dinner with corgis. Tell them that C. and C. are now married, just like Britney. Serve tiny wedding cake made of liver. In honor of ceremony and late Queen Mum, let corgis have bourbon.
7:00 P.M. Watch “Lost.” Wonder if C. and C. will take plane on honeymoon.
8:00 P.M. Call Camilla, to interrupt wedding night. Ask if she has Prince Charles in a can. Hang up.
9:00 P.M. Read corgis “Cinderella” as bedtime story, but change all characters to corgis, so happy ending will be believable. Tell them only King Charles will be a spaniel.
10:00 P.M. Put on crown. Take Ambien.