I think you've got to do something about the extraterrestrial brain implants that are controlling Simon's mind.
Any competent New-Age healer should be able to remove them with etheric hooks. [Not making this up; had a long conversation about this on the net once.]
Maybe it doesn't work with corgis, who occasionally just act like they're being ridden by a faerie on bad acid. You just accept this as normal after awhile.
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