Day Five

I haven't cried today, but I will. At 61, I no longer try to hide it or feel self-conscious about it. I figure I've earned that right after all these years. I can move through the house today--even looking at the spots where Stinky Wink liked to lie down--without crying. I just get a strong grip in my heart. But I will come across a renegade toy or a bunch of Corgi fluff somewhere unexpected, and the tears will flow. He did love his toys! I gave one to each of my sons for their dogs, but I'm keeping the rest. I went to the basement family room last night, and there was his Transformers ball lying on the floor. That's the one he used to bounce off his nose when my wife threw it. That was their game. She would toss it and he would bounce it back. Sometimes they kept it in the air for 5 or 6 bounces. When I was in graduate school, one of my favorite poets was Tennyson. In his long elegy, "In Memoriam," which he wrote after the death of his dear friend, Arthur Hallam (who was engaged to Tennyson's sister), I found a verse that is so appropriate to my feelings right now:

I climb the hill: from end to end

Of all the landscape underneath,

I find no place that does not breathe

Some gracious memory of my friend.

I love you, Stinky Wink, my forever friend, and "my besses puppo ever."

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Comment by Alison Prasavath on February 14, 2012 at 3:45pm: I'm so very sorry for your loss and don't hold back those tears. My husband and I were thinking last night that Noodles turns seven in June...how those years have flown. I can't imagine my life without Noods and neither can my husband. We both took turns cuddling with Noods and telling him he has to live forever. My life has been forever changed with him and I can't imagine my life without him.

Comment by Jennifer Markley on February 14, 2012 at 2:31pm: I'm crying, as I know the pain. I still can't even look at a picture of Dillon, as the pain is too great. You will love again, perhaps not in the same way, but you will. Allow yourself to grieve, it is OK to cry- you have lost someone near and dear to your heart. The love of an animal is so much stronger than the love of a human. So beautiful, so innocent. Comparable to a child's. Time will ease your pain...not take it away, but it will ease. And when the time is right, you will hopefully share your love with another deserving animal. I think Stinky would have wanted that. *BIG HUG*

Comment by Zigward & Kimberly on February 14, 2012 at 2:03pm: I'm sorry:( I can't even imagine what you are going through.

I get so scared thinking of the day that Ziggy will no longer be in my life-and I have only known him for a week now..

You're right, you've earned the right to cry-though anyone who cries over losing their besses puppo ever, has earned it, it wouldn't ever be anything to be self conscious about.. They are family to a lot of people-me included. I hope you and your wife begin to feel better soon, it would be what Stinky Wink would have wanted..