Dear Murphy,

It’s been 8 days since you passed away, and I still can’t believe you are gone. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that you aren’t within reach. That you aren’t pointing your fuzzy butt at me. That you aren’t laying on the wood floor to cool off. That if I put down the laptop screen, you won’t be there smiling at me down by my feet. I miss you. I never thought I could miss someone so much.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wish I would have been more aware and observant about things; you might still be here if I had been. I know it was an accident, and I know you went peacefully, which is a small comfort, but I am still so, so, so sorry.

I want you to know one more time that you were my favorite, that you were my heart dog.. my special baby boy. You were my first real pet, and I was so excited! Did you know I wanted a Westie my whole life, but when I saw your picture online, everything I ever thought I wanted went flying out the window? I wasn’t looking for a Corgi… I think I was just waiting for you. And I think you were waiting for me. You were the last of your littermates to find a home, and I’m so glad it was my home.

The first time I saw you, I couldn’t believe how tiny you were. I was so nervous to hold you or touch you because I thought I might break you. You were so adorable with your floppy ears and your tattered old skunk toy. Daddy, Ashley, and I picked you up one day, and you and I rode together in the backseat. I even found a picture I took on my phone. It’s not the greatest quality, but you are in it, which makes it as great as it can possibly be. It was a rough ride home; you got sick on the seat and we stopped by Amber and Benji’s house to visit, show you off, and clean up the mess. I was so worried, even though it was just a little motion sickness bringing up your meal. I didn’t want anything to happen to you; I never wanted anything to happen to you.

We brought you home and let you loose in the house. Moses stayed in the garage while we got you familiar with your new home. The next morning, we introduced you guys and went into the backyard. You were such a tiny little guy, and Moses was SO BIG compared to you. There were a couple butt sniffs, and then instant pals. I couldn’t believe how gentle Moe was with you. You guys even played Tug together. Andrew made a great video of you guys playing Tug and just being together. I am glad I have that to look at when I get sad. You and Moses were great brothers to each other. Moses had a history of never sleeping – never being able to relax, and just sitting and staring off in the distance. You wore him out every day and he ended up becoming a regular dog – sleeping at night, and sleeping next to you too.

Almost two years later we got Maya. She was a handful – and still is, as you know. You were such a good big brother to her. She looked up to you SO MUCH. She followed you everywhere and mimicked your every move. You showed her how to be a great dog, and she reminds me so much of you now.

The three of you guys were the best dogs anyone could have asked for. I loved taking you guys places: the field, the dog park in Bellingham, the beach… even just to BigFoot for coffee and treats. You loved car rides.

Then we moved to Camano Island, where you became our Island Dog. I can’t believe how much you shone. You were truly “alive” out here. I never saw you run so HARD, and you never explored too far away from me before. You were brave out here and trotted away on adventures in the woods and in the field. Even in the house, you were so vibrant. We caught you many times playing by yourself with the small black Kong. You always played with toys with the other babies, but these times you were all by yourself. You would throw it and fetch it and growl as if someone was trying to take it away from you – no one was, you were just in the thrill of the game. And the laser chases we did from one end of the house to the other… if anyone could capture a laser point, it would have been you. You also used to roll and roll after you ate your food – which took all of two seconds. You were always done first and you would come out and dive onto your back and just twist and shimmy and roll on the floor. It was the cutest thing.

I have so many great memories of you. Like when I wanted to “hold you like a baby” on the couch. You did NOT like it too much, and would wiggle out within two seconds, but every once in a while, you would stay in my arms and fall asleep. I wish you were here to do that now. I would hold you like a baby and NEVER let go. Or when I held your paw when we laid together in bed. You would come snuggle with me until I fell asleep, and then move to the opposite corner of the foot of the bed and be an independent sleeper, but when you laid next to me, I would hold your paw like it was someone’s hand, and you would help me fall asleep. Also, when I would read with you in our recliner. You would lay on my chest for a while, and then pivot and put your fuzzy butt in my face. I used to love ruffling your long fuzzy butt fur.

And you loved the snow. You loved the snow more than anyone or any animal I’ve ever met. Snowballs were your favorite – you never missed a single one. I remember your first major snow; you ran out the door with your mouth open like a snow plow and just scooped and scooped while you ran. Moses made pathways in the deep snow, and you followed him all around the backyard. You got to experience a lot out here: the extreme snowy days, some really nice sunny days, the beach, Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday, Maya’s birthday, and your birthday. I’m so glad you got to have at least these out here.

You always made me so relaxed, so happy, so complete. I know you’re not supposed to have favorites, but you were my favorite. I told you many, many times. I also told you that you were my best friend – and you were. I could count on you to always cheer me up. I looked forward to seeing you every day after work… EVERY DAY. I would watch the clock in my car to see how much longer until I pulled in the driveway so I could run inside to see you. I read online that everyone who has dogs will have one special dog called their “Heart Dog”. After I read that, I whispered it into your ear. I told you every morning how much I loved you before I went to work, and I’m so glad I did that; I’m so glad you knew how I felt before you died. If I had any regrets – besides my unawareness, of course – it would be not telling you how much I loved you. But I told you multiple times every day, so I am okay because I know you know. I had to get a second heart for you, because you filled mine up so full that it overflowed. You will never leave my heart… never.

Daddy has helped me so much through all of this. I can’t imagine going through this alone, or even just without him. He made your ceremony so unbelievably beautiful, and our memorial to you is going to be even greater. The babies miss you a lot, but are trying to be strong for me, as I am also trying to be for them. Maya came back for me the other night, to go outside and play; Daddy had taken them outside and she ran back to the door and waited like you always used to do. She has been snuggling with me more and giving me more kisses than she used to, and also has been allowing me to take pictures of her. You were always my snuggler / kisser / photo focus, and now that you are gone, she is doing her best to make it feel as if you are still here. Nothing that anyone or any baby can do will ever be the same as what you did, though. You and I were soul twins, I just know it. And knowing how happy and full your life was makes me feel happy. I am sad that you can’t experience anything more with us, and that we will have birthdays and holidays and sunny days and snow days without you physically here with us. I can’t even picture it. You will always be with me, I just wish you were at my heels or in my arms or grunting at me at 6:00 for dinner.

I just miss you.

Sometimes I get so happy because I remember back on all the time we spent together, and sometimes when I think that you aren’t here anymore I get so sad that my entire body aches. I cry and cry and run out of tears and my stomach hurts and my head aches and I can’t breathe. I WANT YOU BACK. But I know I have to be strong and continue to love our babies and to wait patiently for you at the Rainbow Bridge.

Everyone misses you, not just me. Daddy really misses you. I knew he loved you SO MUCH, but I don’t think I fully understood. He is designing your memorial and it is such a great representation of love for you. My customers at work miss you – they knew how much I LOVED you. I brought pictures of you all the time: on my mug, in picture frames on your birthday and Halloween, and on my camera. Everyone in our family misses you. Our friends miss you. Anyone who has ever met you misses you. There was just something about you that made people happy; it was probably your smile. Not just a Corgi smile… but a real one exuding happiness and joy. You were the epitome of joy. And you always will be.

I love you, Murphy. I always have, and I ALWAYS will. You will be with me everywhere I go, and like Daddy told me today, you are waiting by the door for me still… it’s just a different door than before. I’m not afraid to die anymore, because I know I will be with you.

Love always and forever,

Mama