Why is it so hard to be on the same page? <Rant>
So I went away for about a week and a half to help my dad move down to North Carolina, from Upstate NY. It was a grueling 14hr drive one way.
I left the dog home because (a)my Aunt doesn't really like dogs, and (b) her fiance is severely allergic to animals. Like we went to a Zoo and he broke out and had an attack just from being at the Zoo, and this guy loves animals to death, I really feel bad for him.
So I left my dog at home, with my fiance. We had a training plan in order, he was told before I left to remember to make sure every-time he left the house the dog went in his crate. The dog wasn't crated the whole time I was gone. Instead of crating him he put laundry baskets around in the areas my dog liked to chew the floor while we were out. While it worked, it wasn't the right message to the dog because the dog can easily just chew a new spot.
We also had a thing going where the dog was not allowed on the furniture unless invited up. This has been a problem since day one with training. My fiance just doesn't get what inviting the dog up means or something. My fiance will sit down on the couch and the dog will jump up after him, and I will say down, then he will chime in and say "I was going to invite him up anyways..." then I tell him thats not the point he doesn't know the difference. Then its a personal attack against my fiance and he gets pissy for the whole night because I had to explain to him (again) that if the dog jumps up on his own its not an invite.
Despite this, I worked around my fiance and trained the dog to stay off the couch. In the week and a half I was gone, he completely untrained him. Then when I said something about it the second night I was back, he rebuttled with "well he wasn't trained before you left." I was pissed and just said well he might have done it with you but I had it so at least when I was around he stayed off the couch, and it shut him up.
Now every-time we leave a room he is up on the furniture again. Which he was banned from because of past indiscretions of guarding against the cats.
He untrained him to wait when coming in from outdoors. We put him out on a runner when he goes out to poop so that I can know he is safe and do what I need to do while he is outside. Then when he comes in its sit, wait (undo his collar) then release. My fiance does all three at the same time. He says sit while he is undoing the collar, then before the collar is even off he's saying release. So the dog wont wait, I can get him to sit, but the minute I start undoing his collar he is already trying to bolt through the house.
If I even try to talk about it my fiance takes it as a personal attack, that he can't do anything right, and to be honest I'm getting kinda sick of it, and am adding that to my list of reasons to rehome my dog. I keep telling him that him not being on the same page with me on training is not only unfair to me, but its unfair to the dog because the dog isn't getting the structure he needs. He has one person telling him one thing while the other person is doing something different and it frustrates the dog, and confuses him. But for some reason my fiance gets offended and starts the argument of So you think the dog is stupid?
This is an argument of him saying that a dog should be so smart that it can tell the difference, when I say hes not, he's not much smarter than a three year old, and his counter is that well three year olds are pretty smart I'm sure they could tell. And its that back and forth argument forever.
I'm sorry I just had to get that out. </rant>
Comment
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Comment by Jane Christensen on August 8, 2014 at 11:10am
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Good point Linda. I often think of this as my husband now is my 2nd husband but we never could have raised young children together. We did have 4 kids ages 15-19 but they were older then so it worked.
I also like the idea of counseling.
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Comment by Bev Levy on August 8, 2014 at 10:02am
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I can say after being married for 39 years that my husband has a very hard time taking training advice from me too so I would not through him out just yet :) The best way to get him to see your point is to find a way to put it in terms that are important to him. For example, I got him to limit sharing of food by pointing out that fat dogs have many more health problem s and the vet bills could be killer. Also, a poorly trained dog can't go out in public or be out when people are over. Good luck!
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Comment by Vicky Hay on August 8, 2014 at 1:59am
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He's identifying with the dog. Some men feel they do not need to be "trained" (read "learn to live with another person in a domestic setting"), understandably fear being kept at a distance, and would like to just go run and play. Take care for yourself.
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Comment by Kay White on August 8, 2014 at 1:49am
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See the thing is, he is great on all other fronts other than helping with the dog. He has this image of how a dog should be, which is kind of a wild and free animal, that naturally learns commands like sit, his view is also a rough sit like a leaning back on haunches not all the way butt to ground, because that's the way his parents always had dogs. His families dogs run around and have to be yelled at to come back, to go lay down, to sit, to move, and everything. He doesn't understand that the way his parents "raised" dogs is actually inappropriate in most situations.
He thinks me wanting a well trained, (mostly because there is no such thing a perfect, and moods change and everything else) perfectly behaved dog is stunting the dog and not letting him have the full life he could have. When he sees trained dogs, like for people with disabilities for example, it makes him sad because he say he can see that dog wants to just go run and play, but its not allowed to. So he feels bad for the dog having to be trained so strictly all the time. I'm using the nothing in life is free method now and have been for a months or two. He thinks me keeping the dog at more of a distance instead of babying and cuddling him 24/7 is me not loving the dog. I try to remind him that that is how I got bit by my dog a few months ago, I babied him too much, and when I finally wanted him to do something the dog didn't respect me and he bit me. I also remind him that all the babing is what made him aggressive to our cats, and it gets him on the train for a day or two but he really just doesn't like it.
My next step, now that I can reapply for disability since all my paper work is in order, is to get my SSDI and start paying for a trainer if I can find one in my area. He thinks that its just going to have to be me and the dog with a trainer, but he is going to have another thing coming when the trainer shows up and wants him involved as well.
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Comment by Michi Michi on August 8, 2014 at 12:18am
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The ladies have raised a good point. My experience so far with our puppy is that he is basically a child who needs his parents to teach him everything. If you guys are having a difficult time agreeing on how to raise a puppy, I can say things don't get easier from hereon even when there is no puppy in the picture. We obviously don't know enough from your one post and there is a chance that he is simply not a dog guy at all but what stands out to me is his lack of respect and acknowledgement for the rules you've laid down and the time you've put in.
A good talk between y'all with all the chips on the table is due. I expect any person whom I plan to spend the rest of your life with is at least willing to try and work out our differences. I hope your guy can do the same for you.
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Comment by Judith Andre on August 7, 2014 at 11:40pm
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I think you should rehome your fiance :)
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Uhm... I hesitate to comment, having been there and done that. May I suggest that before you marry this person, you go to marriage counseling?
That is not a joke. I speak from difficult experience.
Alternatively, do not marry. Continue a live-in or live-out relationship until such time as you can decide whether spending a lifetime together is really a good idea. If you are the kind of wimp I am, this could take several years. See the story (well, part of it...a dog was also involved, on other fronts...) here, 5 paragraphs in.
And listen to Linda...
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Comment by Linda on August 7, 2014 at 10:06pm
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All I'm going to say is....think about how it's going to be raising children if you can't agree on raising a dog.
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